I had woken up that morning only to find myself exceptionally hungry. Naturally, I walked to the kitchen, which was but a few feet away, and opened the fridge to partake of its contents. It was a fleeting attempt at satiation, because there was nothing edible inside of the stainless steel excuse for a food box. The pantry was likewise lacking. My stomach kicked me swiftly and I headed for the door. My slippers shuffled along the carpet, but failed to remind me that I ought to have changed before going to the grocery store. So, I stumbled along, a robed man on a mission – like a superhero in an awful movie about breakfast. Only, it was noon, and I had forgotten my wallet because I was too busy thinking about lunch.

I was resolved to find sustenance, and soon. My stomach was throwing a downright miserable tantrum. And then I saw the kid, with a waffle cone and four scoops of chocolate-chip peppermint ice cream. Even my stomach paused in astonishment. This was it, my chance to feel replete – to subside the monster within. I bolted towards the child, and with all the grace a guy in his robe can muster, I swooped down and snatched the cone from the child. It let out a terrible shriek, but I was already a block away.

I dove behind a large fence and partook of the stolen goods. The minty-green coolness of the ice cream, coupled with the chocolaty-crunch of the chocolate chips, made me completely forget how ashamed I ought to have been for robbing a child of his happiness. I had only eaten three scoops when my stomach began to throw another fit. Too much ice cream on a hot day usually turns out to be a bad idea. Apparently, that day was no exception. I threw the last scoop into the grass, propped myself up just enough to fall back over to the other side of the fence, and proceeded to crawl home.

It was an embarrassing day. A few blocks had never felt so far away. I pushed open the door of my apartment, collapsed on the floor, and slept off the spoiled stomach.

When I woke up, I felt great. I fancied myself a regular hero for saving that child from a horrible stomach ache.