Two Thousand and Thirteen Thoughts

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I titled this post on the 31st of December, 2013. Then I saved it as an empty draft and let it sit empty for nearly three months. Such is my life. No time to write, and only a little time to plan.

2013 was a quick year. It was a year of fiscal prosperity and familial loss. My grandmother was diagnosed with liver cancer and died only a few months later. That’s probably the memory from 2013 that will stick with me the longest. It all happened so quickly. Here and then gone.

The year was also a year of reconstruction. Tom and I put a new roof on the farm house and replaced the septic line. Oh what miserable endeavors, the both of them.

I spent a few weeks, here and there, with family. I have a growing list of visits I need to make, but free time is so rare I have no idea when I’ll be able to start crossing names off.

I’ll get back here soon…

 

in thought

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I will the world to vanish
To up and dissapear
Erase itself from reality
Leaving me right here

I dismiss it with a wave
Then turn my gaze away
Back to contemplation
No world for me today

the last days

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Death is an inevitability.
You know that, I know that.
Even when it is your grandmother.

There are there only two things that change,
The tears in your eyes and sadness in your heart.
Because she happens to be your grandmother.

You have seen here her before,
She stared death down and dismissed him.
But this time you know she will not walk away.

She’s had a wonderful life – you reassure yourself,
She might be old enough – you try and reason through this.
It still hurts; no one wants to lose their grandmother.

If it wasn’t this, it would be something else, some other time.
It’s an inescapable inevitability for everyone you have ever met.
Knowing all of this does very little good; she’s your grandmother.

And as much as it bothers you, as much as it hurts you,
You can hardly imagine what your own mother feels.
Or how your grandfather can sit there without constantly sobbing.

Because your grandmother is her only mother.
And your grandmother happens to be the very love of his life.
As personal as it feels, this is hardly about how you feel at all.

There is absolutely nothing anyone can do,
Even you, who often has so many of the answers,
You can only make her last days more comfortable.

So, you make her a pie. You kiss her when you see her.
More than anything, you let her know you love her.
Yes, because she is your grandmother, but also because…

In fact, she was so much to so many.
That’s exactly why it hurts so terribly.
You make the very most of those last days.

That is all you can do.